It was a rough last week, but worth every trying minute. He has begun a good work in me and has promised to complete it when I see Jesus. Thank you Jesus, keep working in me, stay with me for with out you I am wrong.
So here is a brief synapses of what happened this past week: Andrew fell in the pool and wasn't seen, God's LOVE compelled me to thanksgiving and praise(on my knees, on my face, if you have ever been compelled you know the deep emotion running through you), God tells me to apologize for lying, I obey, Steven is bitten severely(more than 20 bites) by fire ants and has an anaphylactic reaction, 911 is called and he goes to Dell Children's hospital, Andrew runs high fever for 3 days, Steven started running high temp during Andrews second day...
I gave apologies to those in my life group, I still have one to speak with and will do so when he returns. I lied. The lie glorified ME, made me look better or so my flesh said. No one would know but my God knows and what should have been his shinning moment, I stole. God loves me and has been preparing my heart for about 2 months for what he asked me to do and what he showed me about myself. It a beautiful thing when you are called by God to do something and then to see how his hand has been guiding you for months getting you ready for what he has told you to do. Its humbling to know he loves me so much and he cares so much and it makes me want to live better.
I have been praying for over a year for God to humble me, work on me and he is and as I said earlier, it's not easy. It hurts and it's hard and I pray that he continues. For pride is poisonous and full of deceit, and I pray Jesus will smash it. Empty me, so I can be a polished vessel of the holy, and living Spirit of God. I pray that others will know that I belong to Him from the light that shines within my heart. The best thing that has happened over the past year is that my mind is constantly on Him, I think about myself less, the more focused I am on the price Jesus paid for me, the more my thoughts are of Him. I hate the sin that lives with me and in me. I am compelled to say thank you Him for taking my place. His loves compels me.
My new favorite song that I could play all day long is Ruin Me by Jeff Johnson. I sing and weep because my heart longs to be his heart. I am on a long walk with Jesus, he is helping me cut the bindings from my limbs. A while back, I spoke about the condemnation I put myself and family through. In searching to understand His grace, I found this message from John 15:1-17 very moving. The depth of that passage and all the ways it has spoken to me and all the meanings there are MIND blowing. God BLOWS me away!
I am so blown away I know this next piece is going to be confusing, but I will try to organize it the best I can.
I have been struggling with weight for a number of years now and without Jesus, I will continue to struggle. Add Jesus to the equation and he will remove what isn't supposed to be here and by his grace I am allowed to be me. He doesn't love me less because of this weakness, it's in this weakness He is made strong.
I am mesmerized by the whole piece(back to John 15) right now and am having a difficult time organizing my thoughts to be able to convey my thoughts. In John 15 Jesus talks about vines and I was reading about grafting of plants on Wikipedia:) There is a message if what is to come there(Crucifixion) and also just grafting in general what it does. When a branch is grafted to a vine a cut is made and the branch is pushed into the vine, so that the sap can flow to the branch and the two continue to grow together until they are fused. Jesus has telling of himself, yet again letting us know he is the only way to God. He knew he would be pierced and blood would have to flow into us for us to have eternal life. We would have to be fused with him. Wikipedia said that grafting makes plants stronger, bear plentiful and superior fruits, maintain consistency, curiosities(you want people to wonder what's different about you), repair, hardiness, I find the whole passage refreshing and SO beautiful. God is Love, he loves me and wants me to have a relationship and I am so glad.
I want to end this blog with this quote from Jerry Bridges, was president of the Navigators:“Preach the gospel to yourself, you continually face up to your own sinfulness and then flee to Jesus through faith in His shed blood and righteous life.”
Monday, July 21, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Blessed...Thank you God!
Last night we(Steven, Andrew and myself) were swimming with some friends. Pool break came and we exited to have some dinner during break. After the break had resumed, both of my boys were done eating, I was visiting with a friend and not done eating.
Steven went into the pool, he was not wearing his swim arms(floaties, water wings) neither was Andrew but he wasn't in the water. I had asked them both if they wanted their wings on and both declined. The water is 2 feet high in the shallow end. Andrew wanted to jump in and I was encouraging him to(though I am not in the water) and I was aware I would have to go because he still panics when he falls under the water, and he may not be able to get his bearings. I have been trying to get him to put his feet under him when he goes under but he usually panics. He wasn't going to jump into the pool but had dropped his superman diver in the water and was bending over and trying to get it. Him falling in was inevitable. I knew this. When I looked away to answer Christine(my friend) and looked back he had fallen in. He was less then 5 feet from the 2 lifeguards at the pool but they did not see. As I was running(I was about 15 feet away at our table) to jump in the pool I said to the lifeguards, " are you guys watching?"
When I pulled Andrew from the pool, he took a breath, didn't act freaked out. As, I was praying and stayed calm. He had held his breath, no sputters, no choking sounds, just blinking and breathing. I praised God and thanked him for his mercy on us. I prayed with Andrew. I just felt compelled to keep giving thanks. Last night when I was putting them to bed, I asked them to thank God for something. Andrew said, "thank you for my blessing." Andrew has heard it so often in the past 2 hours, I guess he knew it was important.
I was praising and giving thanks on my face this am. His spirit is alive and burning inside me this morning. He has shown me a situation to go and ask forgiveness for and His spirit and my flesh wrestle. I know the peace will come and I will do as God's has asked for I love Him and He is to good to a wicked sinner like me.
I come to your altar, O Lord, singing a song of thanksgiving and telling of all your wonders. I love your sanctuary, Lord,the place where your glorious presence dwells.(Psalm 26: 6-8 )
Steven went into the pool, he was not wearing his swim arms(floaties, water wings) neither was Andrew but he wasn't in the water. I had asked them both if they wanted their wings on and both declined. The water is 2 feet high in the shallow end. Andrew wanted to jump in and I was encouraging him to(though I am not in the water) and I was aware I would have to go because he still panics when he falls under the water, and he may not be able to get his bearings. I have been trying to get him to put his feet under him when he goes under but he usually panics. He wasn't going to jump into the pool but had dropped his superman diver in the water and was bending over and trying to get it. Him falling in was inevitable. I knew this. When I looked away to answer Christine(my friend) and looked back he had fallen in. He was less then 5 feet from the 2 lifeguards at the pool but they did not see. As I was running(I was about 15 feet away at our table) to jump in the pool I said to the lifeguards, " are you guys watching?"
When I pulled Andrew from the pool, he took a breath, didn't act freaked out. As, I was praying and stayed calm. He had held his breath, no sputters, no choking sounds, just blinking and breathing. I praised God and thanked him for his mercy on us. I prayed with Andrew. I just felt compelled to keep giving thanks. Last night when I was putting them to bed, I asked them to thank God for something. Andrew said, "thank you for my blessing." Andrew has heard it so often in the past 2 hours, I guess he knew it was important.
I was praising and giving thanks on my face this am. His spirit is alive and burning inside me this morning. He has shown me a situation to go and ask forgiveness for and His spirit and my flesh wrestle. I know the peace will come and I will do as God's has asked for I love Him and He is to good to a wicked sinner like me.
I come to your altar, O Lord, singing a song of thanksgiving and telling of all your wonders. I love your sanctuary, Lord,the place where your glorious presence dwells.(Psalm 26: 6-8 )
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Amazing Grace
Lessons learned:
Jesus came to release us from the old Law (first 5 books in the old testament). We are saved through grace, not because of anything we have or haven't done but because God loved us so much and he knew we needed a Savior. We needed saving from Sin. He knew that Sin was to great for us so Jesus came and dealt with sin, he died with sin clutched tighlty to his body and killed it's power over us. If you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior you are a new creature in Christ. Sin has lost it's power, death has lost it's sting! (marvelous light)
I grew up catholic and relied on what I did and how I performed for God but always I fell short. Thus a vicious cycle began, I felt because I loved the Lord so much, why then did I fall on my face, and I would shy away from Him because I was ashamed(and doubted his love) and then I was more inclined to walk by my flesh thus never recieving God's grace. Even now as I type I stuggle with accepting that. I live by rules, my family lives by rules(most unpronounced to them) and there is condemnation when life isn't by the rule, But that means I am living by old law and it is causing conflict in my spiritual walk. I hear God saying, "How much more must I do, to say I love you?" If God never blesses me in anyway ever again, he has already given me eternal life what more must he do, to show his love?
No matter what I have done or how I have sinned, I am special and can have a relationship and closeness with Jesus, without the condemnation. I can fellowship with Him, live with Him, and be filled with His Spirit. I follow and obey Him, not in order to gain is love and favor, but because I love Him and desire to follow and obey Him.
The more I OBEY him, the more his heart is revealed to me and when I keep his commandments it functions as a compass telling me when I am off the path and walking by flesh. I have walked where Christ has told me to, so why then do I slink back into sin and get off course? I relate this to working out, that high one gets from running, like after you have gone a mile or 2 and you reach your second wind and it's easy, you feel like you can run forever. The more you run the easier it is to get into that zone. Then you get hurt and can't run for a while, why does it take so long, for me to get back into it even know I know how good it feels to be able to run like that? Sometimes I stay in a sin for so long and know it isn't fulfilling or satisfing but yet I find myself there again. I think Paul says it best in Romans
Romans 7:15-25 NIV
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
God has shown me so much in the past 8 weeks, I can't express. His Grace BLOWs me away. By God's grace he has brought me into understanding some things, he has helped me to be aware of the condemnation I put myself through and he is saying, "I have already set you free. I love you the way you are."
Right now we live in that inbetween time, between the death of sin and God's final victory. I know I will fall short daily but I am looking forward to a time when there is no evil and no sin. Pray for me as I try cloaking in the Grace of God and accepting that Jesus paid the price, no need for condemnation any longer.
Jesus came to release us from the old Law (first 5 books in the old testament). We are saved through grace, not because of anything we have or haven't done but because God loved us so much and he knew we needed a Savior. We needed saving from Sin. He knew that Sin was to great for us so Jesus came and dealt with sin, he died with sin clutched tighlty to his body and killed it's power over us. If you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior you are a new creature in Christ. Sin has lost it's power, death has lost it's sting! (marvelous light)
I grew up catholic and relied on what I did and how I performed for God but always I fell short. Thus a vicious cycle began, I felt because I loved the Lord so much, why then did I fall on my face, and I would shy away from Him because I was ashamed(and doubted his love) and then I was more inclined to walk by my flesh thus never recieving God's grace. Even now as I type I stuggle with accepting that. I live by rules, my family lives by rules(most unpronounced to them) and there is condemnation when life isn't by the rule, But that means I am living by old law and it is causing conflict in my spiritual walk. I hear God saying, "How much more must I do, to say I love you?" If God never blesses me in anyway ever again, he has already given me eternal life what more must he do, to show his love?
No matter what I have done or how I have sinned, I am special and can have a relationship and closeness with Jesus, without the condemnation. I can fellowship with Him, live with Him, and be filled with His Spirit. I follow and obey Him, not in order to gain is love and favor, but because I love Him and desire to follow and obey Him.
The more I OBEY him, the more his heart is revealed to me and when I keep his commandments it functions as a compass telling me when I am off the path and walking by flesh. I have walked where Christ has told me to, so why then do I slink back into sin and get off course? I relate this to working out, that high one gets from running, like after you have gone a mile or 2 and you reach your second wind and it's easy, you feel like you can run forever. The more you run the easier it is to get into that zone. Then you get hurt and can't run for a while, why does it take so long, for me to get back into it even know I know how good it feels to be able to run like that? Sometimes I stay in a sin for so long and know it isn't fulfilling or satisfing but yet I find myself there again. I think Paul says it best in Romans
Romans 7:15-25 NIV
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
God has shown me so much in the past 8 weeks, I can't express. His Grace BLOWs me away. By God's grace he has brought me into understanding some things, he has helped me to be aware of the condemnation I put myself through and he is saying, "I have already set you free. I love you the way you are."
Right now we live in that inbetween time, between the death of sin and God's final victory. I know I will fall short daily but I am looking forward to a time when there is no evil and no sin. Pray for me as I try cloaking in the Grace of God and accepting that Jesus paid the price, no need for condemnation any longer.
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