Looking up or looking down?

I find when my eyes are directed up towards heaven bound all is clear. When I am looking down and all around I feel dazed and confused and slightly worse is when you are only looking at yourself. That is a hard pill to swallow when you realize your eyes are only on yourself, depression can do that when you take your armour off. What a fight the last month of pregnancy was for me. Shuting every door to everyone, even God and then asking God to speak as if I were listening. So selfish, so not where I wanted to be. More refreshing was to know my husband was holding on tight to Jesus and calling to him, interceding on my behalf. That is beautiful now that I am feeling better. I am thankful for Justin, so thankful to have him to walk this life through.

I had someone speak something very ugly, very horrible to me. I had a choice to follow my flesh or follow Jesus. Speaking about turning the other cheek and turning the other cheek are two different things. If you thought you turned your cheek and then told everyone you know about how bad you were wronged, I believe you didnt turn the other cheek. I had committed at that moment to do as Jesus commands us to do and don't think even for a minute it was easy. At every encounter that day and the next few, I wanted to get a poor me tap but instead I prayed and asked for strength.

After some prayer and washing in god's word, I realized something, the words that were so wounding, were not far from the truth and I needed to see that and hear it. I need to make a change, pick up and get on with life, I am ineffective if I stay in this mess of depression and this season passed time for a change. Please be in prayer for me as I await the king's orders. Love you.

2 months have flown by!

Monique is 2 months old, can you believe it? We can't. We are so thankful for the help we have had. Justin's mom, Jean was just here for 4 weeks. So I am attempting to fly solo now, for the first time. I don't have time to write, I just wanted to post some pictures. Hope you all are doing well. We love you and are looking forward to your Christmas cards and letters and pictures!! I may even send one:) No promises though. Lots of love, Nicole

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Well truth be told, we would have been happy girl or boy. Justin kept saying how nice it would be to have a girl and look at what special gift God gave him on his birthday!!

Introducting Monique Elizabeth Konotopka 8lbs 14 oz and 22 inches long!

Look Daddy and Monique have the same hairline.

I had lots of amniotic fluid so she was able to swim lots, start labor then stop it then not come after hours dilated to an 8! She did come though and we are so glad she did, feeling so good to have her here and praising God for our healthy addition!

We are going to be out of the loop for two weeks to spend sometime just us, building immune systems, resting and adjusting. We are glad to share our news with everyone and look forward to introducing you soon!!

It's a wonderful life....

I have no camera..but a new one is on the way. Here are the guys in their summer haircuts. I felt the same way I did when I came home from the Coast Guard Academy and Justin had died his hair white and had the goat tee. I so wish I had a picture to post. You can also see the snazzy new curtains in the background. We finally saved enough to buy some curtains, what I learned was I should have saved longer for the rods. They are ridiculously expensive.

Steven and his amazing pee stories, I am not adding or exaggerating in any way. These are all true accounts of our 4 year old.

2:00 am House is sound asleep. "Hi guys!" Steven bops into our room, sounds as if he's been up for hours. "Son, what are you doing?" I ask. "I just have to potty." We hear the sound of liquid being poured onto the carpet, I sit up in bed and can see from the hallway light, Steven is peeing in our doorway. Then Steven says, "Goodnite, I can't find the flusher." I follow him to his room and he gets in bed and is out cold. Justin and I laugh ourselves sick as we are toweling up pee. Carpet needed cleaning anyway!

The boys were watching a instant play on Netflix on the computer(my babysitter when I am trying to get all I have procrastinated done), I come in and his pants are around his ankles and he is sitting in the chair watching the video. "Son, why are your shorts down?" "Nothing," he says and then Andrew chimes in, "I do, Steven peed in the trash can." After the conversation of we don't pee in trash cans, I learned he didn't want to miss his video. Hmmm maybe it's time to teach them about the pause button.

Steven is in the bathroom in the morning. This thunderous giggle is errupting from the bathroom, I say, "what's the matter?" He says, "My butt just burped and I peed on the wall. I am so sorry the pee went everywhere." Never in my life have I cleaned bathrooms so much. Now that both boys are standing they get wiped up at least daily, most days more often. The good is that I never worry(to much) if the bathroom is too gross if someone stops by.

I am sorting baby clothes and notice Andrew trying to carry the kiddie potty out of the bathroom. I ask, "Son, why do you have the potty." He replies, "steven needs to go potty and I am taking it to him." "You can tell Steven mommy says, to go potty in the bathroom." Okay he definatley needs to know about the pause button.

And now for Andrew, he is pretty excited to be a big brother like Steven and not be the baby anymore.

Andrew has been waking up and every morning he sits on my lap to tell me his dream(which is a made up story of some kind, maybe a dream, probably not). He whispers, "I had a nightmare" and begins with the story. They usually have a ghost in them and then some how at the end they end up all rosie and eating ice cream. Good morning entertainment.

Andrew came and ask me to pray for him because his soldiers(shoulders) were hurting. His father had been working shoulders just the day before and complaining about soreness...I hope it isn't something that you can catch:)

We are at the grocery store and using the restroom. They have the foam soap and Andrew is barely tall enough to reach it by himself and of course he is BIG now and wants to do it himself. He pushes the button and it squirts him in the face, giving him the perfect mustache. The three of us are laughing so hard, we can barely contain ourselves. So I try to help thinking, I have his hand in the right spot and bam! it happens again, though not as strategically placed as the first time, but still just as funny. What a great day at the store, laughing can make the day so much more memorable!

Andrew nearly always refers to the new baby as a girl. It's always she and her when he talking about the baby. He had big plans for what she will be learning when she arrives. He really thinks changing diapers is going to be something great, I sure hope he's good at it, that would be awesome..LOL

Andrew keeps saying he thinks he needs to go to the doctor. "Why do you think you need to go to the doctor son?" I ask. "My eyes keep doing this," as he crosses his eyes and looks very crazy( I so need to insert a picture here) We are getting a new camera then I promise to be better about posting photos!

Kids are great, all kids. I have always thought so. I never thought I would be a mother, always thought I would be that cool Aunt without kids that everyone loves to visit. You spoil the kids rotten and leave. I am so glad God had a different plan for me. God blesses us with children, and without them I can see some of the largest blessings I would have missed. The joy they bring as they make us laugh, the love we feel at unpromted hugs and kisses, the way they make us want to strive to be better because they are always watching and learning, but the coolest thing for me is how I can relate to God better because of this role he has placed me in called parenting. The way He loves me, the way the Word speaks to me and provides insight that I could have never known without being a parent.

Tonight we were talking about some scripture in Matthew and in Psalms and it all makes complete sense to me as I think about it from a parenting perspective. Thank you Father for that gift! I want God to show me how to raise my boys His way, through His word so that they may live upright, righteous lives and bring HIM glory.

Wedgies..a little discomfort in this charmed life

So I have wedgie, it's uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to write about, think about and share with you. It all began in May. The feelings that came were un expected. The overwhelming sadness and waves of dispair, tough to fight daily. My husband poured prayer and encouragement, as well as some close friends and I cried out for the Lord to take it away but instead He walked with me through it. For what purpose am I struggling this way? Where was I going before this happend because I feel like I have been in a holding pattern for months?

I find myself asking this question a lot lately. Where am I going? Sometimes you feel like you are heading in the right direction and all of the sudden you are wondering, where am I? Ever feel like that? I have spent 10 days now waiting for a baby, I was convinced it would be here by August 20th, or at least 5 days before(both boys came 5 days before their due dates), but as I type on Aug 20, still no baby. I am so thankful my mom has been here for the past few weeks. I couldn't go on much longer in my previous state. I have had time to reflect, love on the boys(Justin too) and just have my mom love on me.

I have been in a hold pattern. First with the depression I experienced this pregnancy, I have never had the extreme sadness I felt during this last trimester before. Thank you to my precious husband who encouraged me everyday, prayed over me, and never once said get over this, even when I just wanted him too. Thank you for my friends who prayed over me, Christine who taped scriptures to all my windows to encourage me, my neighbor Rose for always checking in on us and helping me to tidy the house. It is so humbling, so hard for me and try as I may I am counting on Grace to get me through this.

God has reminded me once again, things run on His time, baby will come when it's ready. Satan likes to take oppurtunities when things aren't running on our time to plant seeds of doubt and worry, so we must work harder to trust Jesus. Well meaning family and friends push science and medical advice on you, thinking they are helping all while hitting you upside the head with Satan. You have to work harder to trust Jesus. Not always the easiest, though you want it to be. He whispers lies of judgement in your ear and so you have to recognize those for what they are, LIES and recommit to Jesus.

I want this wedgie out! It's uncomfortable and might leave a stain but hopefully that stain will remind me of yet another time the Lord has brought me through some tough stuff.

To forgive or not to forgive that is the question..

I have spent months thinking about forgiveness and God has given me such a sweet understanding, I wanted to write it down and share, I am sure I can't do it justice with words, as I am much better with numbers:)

Forgiveness comes hard for some people in your life and easy for others, I have been praying about that now for about 9 months. I think the big factor there is relationship and communication, when you know where someone is, the struggles, hardships, where they came from, the more of a relationship you have the easier it is to forgive, at least for me. Don't you think that is why Jesus can still love us even though we do some really awful things? He knows everything about us, he understands where we came from, why we chose to make the choice we did and He sees where we are going. All that being said, I also find it mind blowing that he loves us, especially knowing that you are going to make a lot of mistakes and bad choices....newsflash it's written in the Bible that all will fall short of the glory of God but thank God for Jesus. Christ is your mediator, the one who paid the price for you, the one that wants you to pursue him back, the one that keeps putting that loving person in your path that you think is wacko because they love Jesus so much. I used to know some of those wackos too, and now I have become one:)

Forgiveness can lead you to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. I hope if you are having difficulties forgiving someone, you will quickly use the biblical conflict resolution model(Matt 18: 15-17) and allow Jesus to work through you. Even small things are best dealt with right away before they can take root and bind you in bitterness, pain and even hatred. It's okay to let someone know they hurt you. Sometimes when I get stuck I think about times I have been forgiven and how I was treated and my heart softens to think that I was forgiven. Sometimes things you are forgiving are TOUGH, and you will have to recommit daily, even hourly but forgiveness is for you not them. Forgiveness won't change the other person but it will change your life, bringing you more happiness, peace and healing from the bondage that comes with holding a grudge.

If I have learned anything at all, not forgiving is more work than forgiving. How many times should we forgive someone who won't change? The bible is VERY clear..check out the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matt 18: 21-35. I hope if you have someone to forgive you will pray and find away to forgive them, forgiveness looks best on everyone. Loves to all!

Steven is four!

WOW, it seems like it was just yesterday when I was living in the unfinished basement dreaming of the finished house and the start of our family with a child. Here he is another year older. He is a quick witted guy, and most of the time, Justin and I are out smarted before the battle begins. He is courageous and kind and serious. One of our friends uses the word stoic to describe him but he doesn't seem to be void of emotion when he dislikes some thing.


His birthday day was an entire day for Steven. He planned his menus for his birthday meals and all he wanted to do was watch TV so he watched Thomas, Thomas and more Thomas. Then he rode his Thomas bike and helped prepare the house for his birthday dinner of queso, and quesadillas. We decorated cups, blew up balloons, invited Big Frank and our neighbor Rose over to join us.

Steven and Andrew had 3 gifts unwrapped before anyone even knew what was happening. We hadn't even started the party but the party had begun. He was elated to get a baseball bat, glove and ball. We have had lots of fun in our backyard playing with them already. We are now saving for the broken window fund, if you would like to make a contribution..LOL


He was as excited , you could tell he really enjoyed opening his presents and having the attention. Here are some of the birthday party photos and cute Steven stories.

He loves singing and sings all the time. When something comes on the radio and it happens to be his favorite, the grin and the jammin' that commences is fun to watch. He loves HAPPY by Aiesha Woods but has moved onto one of the new VBS songs for his favorite, 'I get down but he lifts me up.' is often heard in the car, the shower and while playing cars.

Photo to the left is after Steven's 1K. His reward was a chocolate donut. I think he and Kobe enjoyed the refreshments the most.

If you ever get the treat of having Steven being tickled deeply by something in your presence, you will no doubt feel joy as he lets loose his belly laugh. When it happens it's all Justin and I can talk about for days because it's so great!

I have been having painters come and give us estimates on painting the interior of the house, with both of us working full time, it's not a project either of us wants to handle. Well, one of the painters I thought was great so I wanted to talk to Justin about it and I excused myself from the table to call Justin at work, mean while Steven climbs up in my chair and begins telling the man the resurrection story(unannounced to me) and as I am coming back to the table he says, "wait a minute mom, I am not done, Then Mary was bringing back the spices to put on his body and when the angel rolled the rock away he wasn't there. Jesus is alive for you and me! That's great!" He gets down and goes and plays, I am so pathetically evangelical I say, did you just get a bible lesson and he says "yes, I believe I did." I told Justin I needed another chance to talk to that guy because I had done such a poor job initially so we need to hire him.
Mr. No nap passes out after an afternoon of bike jumping:)

He learned to ride a balance bike this year and about 4 weeks ago I thought he was ready for a bike with pedals and no training wheels. We posted on Craigslist for a Thomas bike as that was the motivator to even get him to ride the balance bike and we received a response to our ad. We brought the bike home and after 3 push starts from dad, he was off and riding. The scary thing is the whole wide world just got a bit smaller:) Wish I was smart enough to download video. We have some great footage of him.


This is after nearly a month unscathed...then he gets a good face scrape when he has a wipe out, trying to jump(hop) the curb.


I am going to end this post with a prayer for Steven. Lord, I thank you so much for Steven. I thank you for the way you use him to make Justin and I better parents. Father, I ask that you would let his heart be courageous for you and that his life will be lived honoring you. I thank you for his heart, the depth of his understanding and care for others. Please help us to guide him in your ways, let him come to love you and commit his life to you at an early age Father. I lift of the special lady you have chosen for him, I pray that she is being raised to love and serve you father. I thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for Jesus, it is in his name I pray. AMEN.

Burnt Bacon

So Wednesday, I am making a BLT salad for CBS brunch and I over cook the bacon. I wouldn't eat it,in fact it's burnt by my standard. My kids however who rarely eat the stuff are snarffing the charred nasty down. The next round of bacon comes out and it's perfect and Steven says 'mmm this is good mommy.' I need the remaining 'perfect' bacon for the salad so I have to cut them off after a piece each. I muse as they decide to go ahead and have another piece of the burnt stuff but they never quite finish it as they had the burnt piece before.

Kind of how my life is sometimes. God gives me a good wash in the word, reveals some sin in my life, I didn't even know I had. It is like that burnt bacon, if it's the only thing you know, it's good to you, you've even acquired a taste for it that way, but then God shows you how life is meant to be and gives you a taste of the 'perfect' batch and you realize how wrong you have lived. Maybe some old habbits creep in and the next thing you know you are eating burnt bacon but this time you realize it for what it is, take it to the cross, repent and move forward in His grace, not wanting to finish the whole piece.

I love God's word, only it can do that. You can have others tell you how badly you are living or how wrong you are all day and it's ugly and makes you feel bad but NEVER, NEVER has the Lord hurt me or offended me as he leads me through some tough things. He loves me and the washing feels like a refreshing, invigorating shower and how beautiful it feels when I am finished. Now if we could just start praying for those struggling and give up our own attitiudes of "I will fix them". Maybe Jesus could radiate and not have such a tainted appearance to those who don't know his love.

Have you been in God's word today? Join a study so you have some accountablity, try one study I dare you! I haven't a doubt you too will be hooked.

Andrew AKA Batman turned 3

The entire day was devoted to Andrew's special birth day. We had birthday cereal for breakfast, you know the high sugar kind that every kids wants because of the picture on the box, birthday sandwiches at lunch, and I loved it when Steven asked, "did you get any birthday drinks?" Andrew wanted to have spaghetti for supper so we had birthday spaghetti. We had a fun afternoon getting ready to celebrate his special birthday dinner. We blew up balloons, decorated cups, made the cake and just had a wonderful afternoon working together to throw a party. The excitement built all afternoon and when dad got home from work the party started!

I was so moved by Andrews thankfulness the day after his Friday evening family only party. He woke up and said, "Thank you so much for my party, I loved it! I loved my presents too." I wept, which isn't unnatural for me:) His thankfulness filled my heart with so much emotion. As I think about it now, I wonder if that's how our Heavenly Father feels as we pour out genuine heart felt thanks for what he does, he must be moved by that. How important it is to realize where our help comes from, our blessings and our purpose and praise in thanksgiving for them.

Here are some of the birthday photos and some sweet stories of Andrew lately.

We are having the baby at the Family birthing center in New Braunfels and during our first visit there, one of the midwives let Andrew listen to his heartbeat with the stethoscope. She asked him if he could hear it, he shook his head yes and she asked him what it sounded like. He said, "I love Jesus, Jesus died on the cross for me, I love Jesus." She said is that really what it is saying, Andrew replied, "I fink so."


I am not sure why he likes batman so much but he does. Since there hasn't been a Batman movie for awhile t is difficult to find anything batman. The only request he had was party hats but dad couldn't find batman ones or plain ones so he got these...

Andrew 3 Steven 3 :)

When Andrew prays, I love his ending. It's always the same. I need to get it one video before he starts pronouncing it correctly. I am going to type it as best I can but it's not as cute. God bless Daddy, mommy, Steven, Andrew, Grandma Jean, Grandma Monica, GG GG GG and all our ankles and unkies and cousins. In Jesus name. Amen

I want to end this post with a prayer for my sweet son. Lord, thank you for blessing our lives with Andrew. Thank you for the gentleness in his heart. Lord I pray he would come to know you at an early age and they he would live his life to serve you. I lift up the girl you have chosen for Andrew, may she grow up knowing and loving you father. May your name be stamped on their hearts and right below it eachothers. Thank you for loving us, for providing us a way to know you. Thank you for you living word, may Andrew have an appetite for it. Blessed be your name Lord. We love you. In Jesus name, AMEN.

Hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...

Well I am back at the IRS and of course I enjoy it. It has negatives and positives like every choice we make. We prayed lots about it this year and asked God to lead us down his path, we felt like "no" was the right answer but then Justin's works had some layoffs and a few executives that were kind of a surprise. The same day the execs were released, I got a call asking me to come back earlier so we prayed more and decided I should. I don't want to say to much about my job because it always seems like I have the best jobs, and I really have. I like the independence I have at work, no kids to be tracking and interrupting my conversations. Yeah right, 90% of my conversations are about family,so see they are still interrupting. LOL

My friend at work, Walley or Adewale Adeku and I have sat in front of each other for 2 seasons now. He has a beautiful pregnant wife and a very sweet daughter Elizabeth. 'Nice to see you again', Elizabeth's coined phrase. She turns 3 this month and we are excited to celebrate with her. My other friend Arnold sits across from me, this is our 3rd season together. He has a full time job by day at the state and full time nights at IRS. He is a dedicated deacon at his church and loving family member of his very large extended family. He watches TV while working, well really, he listens to it.

Arnold was watching the Diane Sawyer special on the people of the Appalachian Mountains this past week. He was moved to tears a couple times. Walley shared about being from Nigeria and the what he now knows is propaganda on the TV about America. The country he thought he was coming to and what he has encountered is very different. I was sharing with them about some families that live in South Dakota where I grew up. We have families there without electricity and running water, very impoverished areas too. I am sure this can be said on nearly everywhere in the US but we don't see that advertised anywhere.

We have people here in America without running water, without sewer, without health care, without enough to eat and without Jesus too. We don't have to go to the most remote parts of the world to see these issues. Right here in America they exist. We don't have to go very far to find them, in fact I am certain that it's right here in Austin area. Which leaves me with the big question pleading inside me, What am I doing about it?

so the world is a year older

We finally got all the Christmas stuff put up last weekend,a few fugitive snowmen somehow didn't find there way back to the boxes though. I think snowmen are okay and can stay up a while longer. I was re-reading Christmas letters and looking at the new photos with the kids. The letters always share events that have me in tears of joy as I read about all the ways God has blessed those we care so deeply for. Thank you for your cards and letters, one of these days the Konotopkas will get one sent out:)